Holiday comedy? HOLIDAY SONGS? This could be good, y’all. My hopes are high.
Only took about 10 seconds for my hopes to be dashed, unfortunately, as this is apparently from that time period of TV movies wherein they were sponsored by Kay Jewelers. And there’s a diamond in the first five minutes. Since my hopes are being dashed by the second, let’s revert to a list format, shall we?
- Who sleeps in a button-down shirt, sweater, and slacks, James (Jeremy London)? No one, that’s who. Don’t be a weirdo. Sleep in pajamas like everyone else.
- Barking dogs don’t wake people up in this household, apparently?
- Grills that aren’t lit and aren’t being used, when knocked over, can still catch on fire and require extinguishing, apparently?
- Those are the shortest bunk beds I have ever seen – because of course these two people who have been dating for years cannot sleep in the same room in her father’s household.
- I hate over-protective dad bullshit. This movie has a doozy of one and Carl (James Gammon) is a fucking idiot. I don’t care what happened to this dude, he doesn’t OWN his daughter and he doesn’t get to act like an over-protective asshole by virtue of his sperm donation.
- Her dad accuses James of being a drunk and drunken driving.
- Her dad is overtly rude for essentially no reason, including making fun of his sartorial choices.
- Dad acts like James is supposed to be a mind reader and know all of the rules of the ranch even though he knows James grew up in France and currently lives in LA. Like not knowing how to rude a horse is a g.d. crime.
- James does his yoga while one of Sadie’s brothers (Steve Monroe) does chainsaw art. Everyone is the most stereotypical version of themselves that can be. Rednecks are extremely rednecky. City slickers are extremely slickery and elitist.
- Sade (Dorie Barton) hardly has a say in her home world, what the motherfucking fuck.
- Intelligence is apparently looked down upon in this household, being educated makes you “sound like a snob,” and goddess forbid you use smarts to solve problems.
- They’ve only been dating since May! OMG. It is too soon for y’all to get married, I’m not on Carl’s side.
The bigger problem is that Sadie doesn’t want to stay in LA forever and she has secretly imagined this trip to be a test of whether she will accept James’ marriage proposal. As per usual, no one communicates with one another – except James, who has been very clear about what he wants – and it leads to hijinks and hurt feelings. Which is what secrets do, y’all! Communicate your expectations with your partners! Unfortunately, James can’t keep his big mouth shut and does plenty to earn the family’s ire when he sticks his nose into ranch business where it doesn’t belong. In short: everyone sucks.
Sally Struthers makes an ok Aunt Trudie, even if her character also sucks. And Jeremy London is cute, there’s no denying that. But since Carl doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I don’t know that much about this movie qualifies it as a Christmas movie? Too late, I already reviewed it, there’s no turning back now. If you didn’t get the gist… skip this one.