Title: A Christmas Cruise
Year of Release: 2017
Available On: Amazon Prime as of 8/19
Rating: 2 out of 5 Jingle Bells
First thing’s first: I need a best friend who invites me on vacations. Second, someone needs to open a Christmas-themed island destination. Third of all, R.I.P. Kristoff St. John. Third, Vivica A. Fox and Jessica Morris are supposed to be best friends, but they don’t vibe. They’re 15 years apart in age, and Vivica looks amazing, but it just never clicks. I’ll keep watching to let you know. Find out here! Tune in! Oh wait, you’re already here. Let me get on with it.
Pam’s editor, Arlo (Jason Cook), assigns her to write a Christmas-themed article wherein a single woman of a certain age finds love at Christmas time. He’ll make her managing editor if it’s a success. This coincides with the invite from Becky – OMG, her name is Becky LOLOLOLOL – to go on a Christmas cruise.
Vivica and Kristoff are both playing “children of the ’90s.” Don’t fucking give me that shit. Why can’t people play the age that they are? Both Kristoff and Vivica were born the ’60s, so at best, they are children of the ’80s. They were on “Young & The Restless” together. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with people playing the age that they actually are. Aging is not a problem. Aging is a gift. And if you are so blessed to age like Vivica or Kristoff, then you should be celebrating whenever possible. They both look amazing. Pfffttttt.
Jake: Why aren’t you in there dancing?
Pam: Mmm, I don’t like to dance.
Jake: I find that very difficult to believe.
Unfortunately, as good as they look, this is a ridiculous, obvious movie. And the dialogue is horrific. What is with Kristoff’s super airbrushed face in this movie poster, too? I just, man, this movie is worse than usual. Worse than most. I’d have rated it a 2.5, but Kristoff brings it up a half a jingle bell because I love Shemar Moore and Shemar loved Kristoff.
Oh god, it’s almost unwatchable.
[watches 20 more minutes]
This is a terrible movie. Really bad.
[watches another 10 minutes]
I have to remove another half jingle bell.