Noelle (2019)

Title: Noelle
Year of Release: 2019
Available On: Disney+ as of 11/19
Rating: 5 out of 5 Jingle Bells

Noelle is Santa’s daughter. She has a brother, Nick, and they have the kind of childhood that seems, just, astounding. For sexist reasons, Nick inherits the duties of Santa — why can’t there be a girl Santa? Noelle is on it, too: she right away realizes that she needs a role. But that role is not immediately clear. And Papa Santa’s answer is not entirely satisfying: she’s supposed to keep her brother’s Christmas spirit high?

Bill Hader is Nick. Anna Kendrick is Noelle. But shit got real when Father Santa died, and it’s Nick’s turn to do the deliveries. He’s still not a great driver. Shirley MacLaine is Elf Polly, their nanny.

Polly: You would starve and die if it wasn’t for me.

GREAT music, obviously. Wow. Such good musics.

Billy Eichner plays their nerdy geek cousin who is obsessed with adding technology to the sleigh. And there’s plenty of trouble afoot — it’s unclear whether brother Nick is going to be ready to be Santa in time! Like all inept men, it’s up to Noelle to fix most things and figure out how to save Christmas. But, like, she’s just supposed to keep Nick’s spirits up, right? <side-eye> Not even fictional men can handle their own shit. When Nick takes Noelle’s suggestion to take a weekend off a little too seriously, it’s cousin Gabe — the next male Kringle in line — who becomes the new Santa with only a few days to spare. And even fucking worse, the whole North Pole blames Noelle for suggesting it! As though she drove Nick away or something, forced him to stay away up until the very last moment. They’re dicks to her about it! What the flipping fuck is this nasty ass town. This is not the North Pole that I want to hear about.

This baby reindeer though. I’m going to cry 100 tears looking at this baby reindeer who wants to go with Noelle. Whyyyyy did there have to be a baby reindeer? I mean, obviously to make saps like me cry. But dang.

This is a good movie though. You should watch it. This is a solid fucking movie and is going to be a modern classic.