Christmas at the Chateau (2019)

Title: Christmas at the Chateau
Year of Release: 2019
Available On: Spectrum Cable On-Demand (Password stolen from my bestie, don’t narc on me.)
Rating: 2 out of 5 Jingle Bells

How will three sisters save the Shakespeare Chateau, historic mansion and beloved family home, from a corrupt bank that threatens to foreclose on Christmas Day? Especially when one of them falls in love with one of the bankers.

This place is not our family. We are our family.

— Phipps Family Father Figure

Two of the Phipps sisters are fighting to save their bed and breakfast. Brooke (Kinsey Leigh Redmond), as the eldest, has worked herself to the bone trying to keep her family afloat. She works a second job at a library outside of running the bed and breakfast. She’s obsessed with books and fantasizes about a relationship, but clearly doesn’t have time to do much else that what she’s already got on her plate.

The dialogue of this movie is pretty abysmal. It’s your run of the mill “Capitalism tries to steal the family business at Christmas time” and everyone has to work together to save it crossed with “cutthroat Capitalist learns the true meaning of Christmas, family, and love.” The Capitalist is Justen Jones. Sidenote: don’t date bankers, y’all. Let bankers live alone with all of their money. This banker in particularly is known as “The Hammer.” Don’t date someone know for being disgustingly without morals in their job — even if they are a “good person” outside of their work, how can they be if they’re cruel and immoral for 40-hours a week? Answer: they can’t. Some of that isn’t entirely fair to this movie character, however, I believe that it’s true in LIFE.

I do like the part where Brooke opines about how baristas are “coffee chefs.” That’s my own personal bias.

I also like that all the actresses appear to be normal humans. Makeup and wardrobe are pretty realistic? Their meet-cute is, well, cute: Brooke finds Grant’s book (about meeting women) and she texts him at the number in the front of the book. Who writes their phone number in the beginning of their books, which Grant says he doesn’t even like? I don’t know. Why was he carrying a book he doesn’t even like? I don’t know. Grant looks cute in a suit though, so we’re going to go with it.

If I’m not basically stealing it, I’m not interested… You soul sucking, spineless banker. [claps] You did it, you did it.

— Capitalist Pig / Bank Bastard

Oooh, punk rock sister (Sarah McGuire)! I love punk rock sister. She’s a cranky fucker, but she’s here and she says it’s to stay. Will she be the help she purports to be, or will their past abandonment be an indicator of the future? And what about that connection with the “spineless banker,” is he as spineless as he seems? Gotta watch the movie to find out. All I’m saying is that both Ogden and his son (and I usually leave kids out of it) have horrendously highlighted hair.

Ugh, I just realized that this is “You Got Mail” re-imagined for Christmas and the texting-based world. But stay tuned for that twist at the end.